Saturday, July 30, 2011

30 Day Movie Challenge - Day 13

Day 13 - A Thriller/Horror Movie


For as long as I can remember, my mother has watched Dateline and 20/20. In the early 90's stories about pedophiles and child molesters were featured nearly every Goddamn week which, as you can imagine, made me develop a fear of being abducted and locked in someone's basement. As I got older and the World Wide Web became available in every home, new stories were featured about internet predators stalking their innocent victims through chat rooms and that damndable Myspace. By then I was old enough to know if you were dumb enough to chat with someone you didn't know, you probably deserved what was coming to you.


Hard Candy (2005)


When I saw the previews for Hard Candy, I was a little bit excited. Also with all my Dateline and 20/20 watching, I consumed a lot of Lifetime movies. They dealt with similar subject matter and often concluded with some tear stained woman whispering to her daughter, "It's all over now." These movies, being products of TV were sanitized and neutered and always afraid to go the extra mile. Hard Candy goes all the way to the moon.


The film begins in a chat room where Thonggrrrl14 (14 year old Hayley Stark played by 18 year old Ellen Page) and Lensman319 (32 year old Jeff Kohlver played by 32 year old Patrick Wilson) are typing flirtatiously. They decide to meet at a nearby coffee shop. After more flirting, Hayley goes to Jeff's place where he shows her his work: photographs of young, female models. Hayley then mixes a pair of screwdrivers and dances seductively. Jeff realizes he's been drugged and wakes up tied to a chair.


That's where I'll stop, because I've already given too much away. The trailer and poster portray this film as a modern day Little Red Riding Hood; Hayley was just a dumb kid fooling around the internet, she shouldn't have talked to strangers, but now she's strayed from the path and it's up to her to save herself because no woodcutter is going to come to her rescue. Believe me, Hard Candy is not that movie.






I enjoy the Lifetime movie on steroids aspect of the whole thing. For the most part, the entire film takes place in Jeff's house which adds a claustrophobic intensity. (Good God, if this was a play...) Plus, it's nice to see a young character as intelligent as Hayley, even if it is a tad unrealistic that a 90 pound girl could pull everything off.


Hard Candy is not for everyone. In fact, it's probably for about 20% of the population.There are several uncomfortable moments and psychological torture a-plenty. I think men will hate it solely for a later scene, whether you yourself are a pedophile or not. The film forces you to pick a side, but neither party is entirely innocent and it's up to the viewer to decide who is right if anyone is, in fact, right.



Friday, July 29, 2011

30 Day Movie Challenge - Day 12

Day 12 - A Romance Comedy


Perhaps you've noticed the slough of fuck buddy rom-coms released in the last year or so. It started with 2010's Love and Other Drugs, a movie that (trust me) is more than the story of two consenting adults engaging in casual sex. (Golden Globe nominations prove it). The typically mundane No Strings Attached rolled along in January and is, in fact, everything you'd expect. And a mere week ago, we got...


Friends With Benefits (2011) 


They say two is a coincidence, but three is a pattern. So here we have the story of emotionally damaged Jamie (Mila Kunis), a head hunter for a job agency in New York City and emotionally unavailable Dylan (Justin Timberlake), an art director for an L.A. internet company. Jamie successfully recruits Dylan to New York and the two become friends, and as the title suggest, some benefits are eventually thrown in. As with all rom-coms, the parents are introduced. Jamie's mom is Lorna (Patricia Clarkson), slutty but fun, and Dylan's dad (Richard Jenkins) is nice, but suffers from Alzheimer's. Jamie and Dylan have fun in their emotionally ambiguous affair until the stirrings of love complicate matters.


I knew this movie wasn't going to be "as good" as Love and Other Drugs, but I had hoped that it would be superior to the tedious No Strings Attached. I was hoping this one would be just different enough. I love meta-fiction and the trailers and ads showed Jamie and Dylan promising their situation would be "nothing like the movies". This peaked my interest. Perhaps there would be a twist ending. Maybe, just maybe, Jamie and Dylan would end up more learned people, stay friends and find happiness with other parties.


But no. How dare I be that creative? We all know how these movies end: Boy and Girl realize that all the sex they've been having isn't just for the sake of getting off. No, no, it's representation of their latent deeper feelings. Silly kids, sex is for people in love! Didn't you know that?




Friends With Benefits criticizes common rom-com tropes, but is too pussy to deviate from the formula. For example, Jamie is characterized as a hopeless romantic. She quotes along to her shitty movies and repeatedly states her desire, nay need for Prince Charming. Literally, Prince Charming. Dylan is aware of this quirk but is still dumb enough to enter a FWB situation with her. So after Jamie finally realizes her love for Dylan, things start to unravel. And to make up for his assholish behavior, he stages a Goddamn dance sequence at Grand Central Station. 


I hate movies.*


Ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourselves. Once upon a time it was nerdy girls yearning for their Cinderella moment; one little makeover and the Prom King would be their's! But with this advent of "first-comes-sex, then-comes-love" rom-coms, I wouldn't be surprised if more and more women entered these situations all to discover that Hollywood is more full of shit than they originally believed. I feel the need to say that I'm not against fuckbuddies in theory or practice. But I assure you, it takes a certain kind of person to do it and Jamie is the exact opposite of that person. Because if this were real life, Justin would have a Fatal Attraction on his hands.






*All right, just this movie.

30 Day Movie Challenge - Day 11

Day 11 - A Comedy


Earlier this year, there was a big bru-ha-ha over the movie Bridesmaids. It was a comedy written by women, about women, and for women AND it was actually FUNNY, so FUNNY that MEN ACTUALLY WANTED TO SEE IT. The world was turned on its ear. The general consensus is, "Oh yeah, of course there are funny women...but their movies suck." (I'll only mention Tina Fey--funny lady--and Baby Mama--train wreck.) I loved Bridesmaids, but today I'll be writing about another female penned comedy that doesn't involve a bet, a newspaper article, or someone being chased on their way to the airport.


Drop Dead Gorgeous (1999)


In honor of the 50th year of the Sarah Rose Cosmetics®©  American Teen Princess Pageant, a documentary crew is sent to the small town of Mount Rose, Minnesota to commemorate the event. The crew interviews several townspeople involved with the pageant's production including coordinator and former Mount Rose American Teen Princess Gladys Leeman (Kirstie Alley). Her daughter, Rebecca (Denise Richards), is the favorite to win, having been trained since birth. Also competing is Amber Atkins (Kirsten Dunst), a girl from the trailer park with big dreams of being a reporter like Diane Sawyer. But as the pageant nears, several of the contestants have been meeting violent ends.


So why is it funny? Well, first of all, the mockumentary is a format too often unused. Unless there is some kind of inner monologue, we miss much of a characters own thoughts and personal insights in any given film. With the interviews, we are given the chance to hear these.


Secondly, Drop Dead Gorgeous makes fun of everyone--the mentally handicapped, anorexics, pedophiles, racists, trailer trash, the deaf, Japanese immigrants, lesbians, sluts, Catholics, pregnant teens, amputees--no one is safe. In fact, it's much like Family Guy in that sense. Unapologetic and unforgiving, this movie has balls...ironic, considering its written by woman.




And finally, like Andrew's pick, it comes down to a string of one liners and gags. Most of my favorite lines are given by Amber's mother's trashy chain smoking and promiscuous best friend Loretta (Allison Janney).

  • "Jesus Christ, Amber, she clung to your tap shoes while flying through the air like a Goddamn lawn dart." - Loretta
  • "My mom gave me this 9 mill. for my 13th birthday. Yeah. I'll always remember what she put on the card. "Jesus Loves Winners". That's why no matter what I do, I always aim to win." - Rebecca Leeman
  • "I can sum up our entire philosophy with this glass. I can look at it and see that it's half full which in the beauty pageant biz means WHERE THE HELL IS MY WAITER!?" - Colleen Douglas (Nora Dunn)
  • "I was crowned Mount Rose American Teen Princess in 1945. We were at war with the Japs. Didn't even get to keep my damn tiara. Had to turn it in for scrap!" - Iona Hildebrandt (Claudia Wilkens)
  • "You're talking about the richest family in a small town. It's front page news when one of 'em takes a shit." - Loretta

I will officially state that Drop Dead Gorgeous is my favorite comedy film and it's even funnier if you've been in a small town pageant...trust me.


Wednesday, July 27, 2011

30 Day Movie Challenge - Day 10

Day 10 - An Action Movie


I'm really showing my vag on this one. I don't like action movies. There, I said it. Now, I enjoy action scenes as long as they are merited. A whole movie made up of BOOM, ZIFF, SNUH! is not what I call a good time. I like story and character and dialogue and action without these is as bland and unsatisfying as cream cheese without calories. Knowing my distaste for straight up action movies, (fantasy, sci-fi, and superhero movies are their own genres) I've successfully avoided those atypical Jean Claude Van Damme-esque festivals of ass kicking. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the only freakin' straight up action movie I can remember watching...


Wanted (2008)


I was secretly in love with this guy who wanted to see it. So I went with him...and a group of other people. No, no, this wasn't a date but I got to sit next to him in the theater. It was totally worth the $7.25 and complete boredom.


I literally remember nothing other than images from the trailer--the bending bullets, Angelina Jolie getting out of the water with her back tattoos on display--so here is a synopsis from IMDb: Wesley Gibson (James McAvoy) is a everyman office worker, depressed by his life and cheating whore girlfriend. Then he meets Fox (Angelina Jolie) a sexy professional killer who belongs to an ancient society called the Fraternity. Members of the Fraternity have special powers which allow them to move bullets and stuff. Turns out Wesley's dad also belonged to this society and passed his powers onto his son. With Fox's training, Wesley means to take revenge on Cross (Thomas Kretschmann) a former fraternity member gone rogue and killer of Wesley's papa. Also, Morgan Freeman is in it.


What can I say about Wanted? Nothing. I remember nothing, not even the other people who went with me to see it. (Were you there, Andrew?) All I can say is, I'm the subversion of a cliche. Usually it's the guy who follows the hottie to a chick flick in the vain hope of getting some. The door swings both ways, folks.


Also, James McAvoy is hot.






You're welcome, ladies.



30 Day Movie Challenge - Day 9

Day 9 - A Drinking Game Movie


When one reaches that age when alcohol is either legally or freely available and the novelty of having said alcohol has warn off, there are ways to make life more fun. If you're normal, you might go to a club and try to buy some sweet ass hunny a drank. Or if you're particularly "athletic" you might try Beer Pong. But, if you like to sit on your ass and watch movies, boy oh boy, do I have a way to pass the time!


Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997)


I've played several movie drinking games in my day, but none compares to when my friend Amanda and I watched Austin Powers one lackluster summer day. I had just left from training for my new job at Macy's, when I saw the liquor store and decided to pop in for a cheap bottle of cherry rum. When I returned to my apartment, I talked Amanda into playing a drinking game because why the hell not? It was summer and neither of us had to work until 6 a.m. We chose Austin Powers simply because it was a comedy we both enjoyed.


Back in 1967, British hipster secret agent Austin Powers (Mike Meyers) is cryogenically frozen so he can one day stop the megalomaniac Dr. Evil (also Mike Meyers) from taking over the world. Thirty years later, Dr. Evil unfreezes himself to do exactly that and Austin is reawakened as well. But the agent finds the 90's to be a very confusing time so Vanessa Kensington (Elizabeth Hurley), the daughter of his former co-agent, is assigned to ease him into the decade of the Macarena and Jerry Maguire references.


The Rules
Drink every time...

  1. Austin says "Yeah, Baby!" "Shag" "Groovy" "Behave" or "Honestly, it's not mine."
  2. Dr. Evil does the pinky maneuver.
  3. There's a psychedelic musical transition.
  4. Dr. Evil says "Shhh".
  5. Frau yells.
  6. Slang is used referring to genitalia or breasts. (i.e. "bits n' pieces" and "machine gun jubblies")
  7. Vanessa looks disgusted by Austin.

In short, we got fucked up. And you will too if you play this game. Might I suggest a weaker alcoholic beverage? Cherry rum + Diet Coke Lime = Danger, danger, Will Robinson! Please, for the sake of your liver, go with beer.

If Austin Powers isn't your bag, baby, don't worry, any film can have a drinking game. It's usually good to go with something upbeat. One can imagine how fun the Precious drinking game would be! And you want to limit yourself to no more than ten rules, otherwise you forget them and you waste a perfectly good opportunity to drink!



Monday, July 25, 2011

30 Day Movie Challenge - Day 8

Day 8 - A Movie You Watched on a Date


They say movies are a terrible way to spend a date with someone you've just met. Experts suggest activities like mini-golf or hiking, that way you can have fun and talk about your interests and values. Sure. That makes sense. But high schoolers don't give a shit about all that. High schoolers are nervous and tongue-tied and want to make it through the night with their egos intact or they want something they can make out all the way through without distraction.


The Fog (2005)


I have been on approximately 3.5 movie dates. Two (Bolt and Quantum of Solace) were with my second boyfriend after we were already Facebook Official...so no "wooing" was involved. The 0.5 was Speed Racer, which I went to with a guy who I thought maybe kinda liked me because he asked me and only me to go see Speed Racer. I wore my glasses. He ended up dating my best friend for 8 months.


But back in high school, I went on my first "movie date". Technically, it was a Homecoming date. Remember the Homecoming King I was in love with? Well, he took it upon himself to find me a date since me going with him was simply inconceivable. He hooked me up with Johnny, (yes, that's really his name) a nice underclassmen who I was sort of friends with. Johnny and I tripled with two other actual, serious couples. The plan was to go to Spokane, see a movie, get some food, come back to Oakesdale and split into pairs.


The movie we saw was The Fog, a remake of a 1980 John Carpenter horror flick I had never heard of. The plot, which I paid no attention to at the time, is as follows: In 1871, a group of lepers, lead by Captain William Blake (Rade Sherbedgia), mean to purchase half of the Oregonian island of Antonio Bay to use as a colony. However, when the islanders come aboard the Elizabeth Dane to complete the sale, they instead loot the ship and set it on fire, killing everyone aboard. Fast forward to 2005: Nick Castle (Tom Welling) runs a fishing charter company/tourism business when his girlfriend Elizabeth Williams (Maggie Grace) returns to Antonio Bay. Soon after her arrival, a statue honoring the four founding fathers is erected which leads to a series of grisly deaths. But no one seems to suspect The Fog.


It's a stupid horror movie. I remember thinking that the one and only time I saw it. But there was something so comforting I found in its prosaic predictability; I was a teenager on a date, seeing a horror movie! This was one of those Rite of Passage moments! It was almost as if I was normal! Heh, heh, heh. Johnny pretty much ignored me the whole time. By the time we got to the dance, I discovered he had just started dating another girl the night before WHICH NO ONE BOTHERED TO TELL ME EVEN THOUGH EVERYONE KNEW. I immediately apologized to his girlfriend and told her, had I known, I would never have gone with him. She was pretty nice about it and we laughed at the turn of events.


Anyway, The Fog. Yeah. Don't really have much to say about it. Personally, I think my date makes a better movie. Ha. Also, Tom Welling is hot. 


You're welcome, ladies.



Videography: Lady Gaga (Part III - Born This Way)

By 2011, Lady Gaga had reached full-fledged super star status. The world waited with bated breath for the release of her second full length album, Born This Way and the videos that would accompany it. Gaga gets a little more out there with this crop of videos that are still a-comin'...

Order: 11
Title: "Born This Way"
Album: Born This Way (2011)
Song Premise: Lady Gaga celebrates her weirdness and is unapologetic about it.
Video Premise: It would almost be easier just to tell you to watch the video rather than summarize, but here we go: Gaga narrates about a race of unprejudice aliens and then gives birth which also, somehow, creates evil. Then there's a bunch of choreography in various settings with various people and various costuming. Sigh...just watch the video.

Comments: Oh boy. It's confusing and out there and this one was made for those who love Gaga and think everything she makes it gold. I'm not really a fan of the song and even less of a fan of this bloated,  confusing video. If it weren't for the next couple songs, I would think she had lost it completely...

Order: 12
Title: "Judas"
Album: Born This Way (2011)
Song Premise: A woman struggles between her love for Judas and Jesus.
Video Premise: Jesus and his Apostles are a motorcycle gang. They arrive a church where Gaga, as Mary Magdalene, dances and tries to warn Jesus of Judas's impending betrayal. Gaga tries to shoot Judas, but cannot bring herself to do it. Gaga begs for forgiveness which Jesus grants her and is then kissed. The video ends with Gaga being stoned to death.

Comments: This is a little more like it. I know nothing about religion, but even I could follow this one. I love the concept of Jesus & the Apostles as a motorcycle gang. Now that is clever. I know the meaning of the song is "I'm torn between the good guy and the bad boy" but I don't know how accurate Mary Magdalene being in love with Judas (or anyone for that matter) is.

Order: 13
Title: "The Edge of Glory"
Album: Born This Way (2011)
Song Premise: A woman invites a man to spend an amazing night with her.
Video Premise: Lady Gaga dance around an alleyway while a dude plays the sax.

Comments: Bummer. Such an epic song and such a let down of a video. Reportedly, this is a song written after the death of Gaga's grandfather, but WHY did this video have to suck?



Order: 14
Title: "Yoü and I"
Album: Born This Way (2011)
Song Premise: A woman returns to get her lover back.
Video Premise: It begins with Gaga walking through America's heartland. She orders an ice cream cone from a creepy guy in a truck, and then comes must intercutting: Gaga and a guy getting married. Gaga being tortured with electricity. Gaga dancing with a teal wig. Gaga as a mermaid who has sex with her captor. And finally, Gaga playing a piano in the middle of a cornfield with her male alter ego Joe Calderone...who she later makes out with.

Comments: Annnnnnnd she's back. While the video is abstract, representing the torture one faces when returning to an old love, it's fucking great and everything we would expect from Gaga at the top of her game. And mermaid sex is hot. Just sayin'.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Videography: Britney Spears (Part VIII - Femme Fatale)

Nowadays, Britney is doing good. Femme Fatale, her seventh and latest studio album, was released earlier this year in March. The lead single, "Hold It Against Me" went Number 1 (her fourth single to do so). Even as Lady Gaga, Ke$ha, Katy Perry and country crossover princess Taylor Swift bring new life to mainstream pop music, Britney still manages to hold her own. 




Order: 33
Title: "Hold it Against Me"
Album: Femme Fatale (2011)
Song Premise: A woman, through double entendres, suggests she and guy hook up at the club.
Video Premise: The video begins with a meteorite heading towards Earth. Inside it, Britney sings in front of a circle of cameras, lights, and TV's playing her older music videos. Then, dressed in a white dress, Britney sprays paint through her fingers at the TV's and fights herself.

Comments: After a year without a new Britney video, I was eagerly awaiting this one. Plus, it was directed by long time Lady Gaga collaborator Jonas Åkerland. I hoped it wouldn't be a direct Gaga rip-off and it wasn't, but it just didn't feel Britney if you ask me. It's simply too "out there".



Order: 34
Title: "Till the World Ends"
Album: Femme Fatale (2011)
Song Premise: A pro dance song.
Video Premise: On September 21, 2012, Britney and her friends go underground and dance as the apocalypse happens above. Come the morning, Britney sticks her head out of the manhole and realizes they have survived.

Comments: I liked this one because it was literal translation of the song. It's reminiscent of "I'm a Slave 4 U" what with all the sweaty youth in a cramped quarters, but whatever.



Order: 35
Title: "I Wanna Go"
Album: Femme Fatale (2011)
Song Premise: This girl just wants to have fun.
Video Premise: The video begins with Britney at a press conference being asked ridiculous questions. Fed up, she leaves and runs amok in the city streets by flashing several people. She is frisked by a policeman, fights robotic paparazzi and escapes in a convertible.

Comments: This is Britney's most comic video yet. Well, it's more amusing than "funny". Still likable, though.

Order: 36
Title: "Criminal"
Album: Femme Fatale (2011)
Song Premise: Britney loves a bad boy...but it's okay :-)
Video Premise: Britney is at a fancy party with her douchebag, philandering British boyfriend. He beats her up after she gives him attitude, but she is rescued by a dashing criminal. She takes off with him on the back of his motorcycle. After having some sexy sex, the pair go on a crime spree ala Bonnie & Clyde. Later the police shootout their house while the couple makes out and they escape. Sequel?

Comments: This is a great video. In fact, maybe one of her best. I, naturally, am a huge fan of these movie-esque videos as of late. They even have titles and credits now! Boy oh, boy! The video fits the song and does it in a sort of classy, romantic way showing the good side (and only the good side) of loving a bad boy. Also, that kissing scene during the shootout? Win.

Videography: Britney Spears (Part VII - Circus)

When you hit rock bottom, there's nowhere left to go but up. And up Britney went after the release of her sixth studio album, Circus in November of 2008. Things were getting better for Britney. After a brief stint in a psychiatric ward, she got her kids back and her life on track.

For the first time in ten years, Britney had a number one single on her hands. And it seemed the pop princess was more popular than ever, even if she had Lady Gaga threatening to usurp her throne...

Order: 28
Title: "Womanizer"
Album: Circus (2008)
Song Premise: A woman refuses to fall for the tricks of a Don Juan even if she’s tempted by him.
Video Premise: Britney starts her day as a housewife cooking breakfast for her smarmy business man husband. At work, he is toyed with by brunette Britney, the office assistant. Next, redhead Britney flirts with him as a waitress and then finally as a blonde chauffeur. When the husband returns home, he finds his wife embodies all three women.

Comments: It's not bad, it's got a definite story and it's fun. I really have no complaints.

Order: 29
Title: "Circus"
Album: Circus (2008)
Song Premise: A woman turns a dance floor into a circus and enjoys being the center of attention…yeah.
Video Premise: Britney puts on a pair of diamond earrings and then dances around in a circus ring.

Comments: "Circus" is fun with a vintage feel. It's everything you'd expect without boring you.

Order: 30
Title: "If U Seek Amy"
Album: Circus (2008)
Song Premise: A woman searches for a woman named Amy who is quite popular with men and women.
Video Premise: Britney cleans up her house after a party (or orgy?) and then slips into a 1950's housewife get up before meeting the paparazzi outside.

Comments: The song is non-sensical so I was interested to see what the video was going to do and the answer is...not much. I think this one was heralded as super great, but why? It's nothing special to me.

Order: 31
Title: "Radar"
Album: Circus (2008)
Song Premise: A woman notices the man of the evening and plans to seduce him later.
Video Premise: Britney goes to posh mansion with her boyfriend. After she arrives, she notices a sexy and dangerous polo player who sparks her interest. Despite the nice gifts her boyfriend gives her, Britney starts an illicit affair with polo guy and runs off with him.

Comments: "Radar" was originally a track on Blackout, but for some reason was put on Circus as well and then released as single. Why? I have no idea. This is Britney's most "mini-movie" of all her videos. It features no dancing. It was a nice change of pace for me even if Britney is sort of a bitch in it.

Order: 32
Title: "3"
Album: The Singles Collection (2009)
Song Premise: A woman attempts to seduce two men into a threesome.
Video Premise: Britney, dressed in a unitard, dances with other women in unitards and then with two bald guys. 

Comments: The end of 2009 brought Britney's second compilation album, The Singles Collection which spanned her ten year career. "3" was the one new song that rocketed to Number 1. The accompanying video is a dance video with no plot or abstract imagery. Just dance.

Videography: Britney Spears (Part VI - Blackout)

And then the shit hit the fan. One month after the birth of her second child, Britney and Kevin Federline filed for divorce. This event sent America's Sweet Tart into a downward spiral of alcohol, head shaving, and weight gain. (Gaw, look at that cow!) Eventually she lost custody of her two children for an disclosed reason.

In the midst of the chaos, Britney released her fifth studio album and her first in three years, Blackout. Generally speaking, the album did pretty well even if Britney was hardly in a place to promote it.




Order: 25
Title: "Gimme More"
Album: Blackout (2007)
Song Premise: A woman dances with her partner while paparazzi watches, secretly enjoying the attention.
Video Premise: Britney is at a club with her pals when she sees a brunette lookalike dancing on a stripper pole.

Comments: Well, I don't know. It sort of gets boring after awhile. It's just Britney on a stripper pole.

Order: 26
Title: "Piece of Me"
Album: Blackout (2007)
Song Premise: Britney personally addresses the public on how she will always attract media attention, regardless if it’s positive or negative.
Video Premise: Britney and her friends prepare for a night on the town. All dress in matching blonde bob wigs to confuse the paparazzi. They arrive at club where Britney tricks a photographer into the women's bathroom. The video finishes with dancing and the women watching the news.

Comments: THE FAME! Yay. This one is tongue n' cheek and pretty stupid really, but I'm not the only one who likes it. It actually won Best Female Video, Best Pop Video, and Video of the Year at the 2008 MTV Video Music Awards. Not bad for someone who's hit rock bottom.

Order: 27
Title: "Break the Ice"
Album: Blackout (2007)
Song Premise: A long dormant relationship is reawakened even though awkward at first.
Video Premise: Britney is an animated Jane Bond (similar to her "Toxic" video).

Comments: The song was a very slow burn for me, so I used to not care about the shitty video. (It's animated because Britney was in no condition to work). Anyway, I love the song musically and lyrically and yet this is the video. :-( If ever I wanted a lyric to video transfer, this would be the one.

Videography: Britney Spears (Part V - Greatest Hits: My Prerogative and Chaotic)


After being America's pop idol but before she shaved her head, Britney was somewhere in between. In 2004, Britney started to go off the rails. It was that year she met American "dancer" and all around bag o' douche Kevin Federline. The relationship was highly publicized but Britney, fighting agains the establishment for most her life, wanted to do nothing that was expected of her and so she married him.

Four albums was enough to merit the release of Greatest Hits: My Prerogative in late 2004, shortly after her marriage to K-Fed. The two had a reality show which you probably don't remember called Britney & Kevin: Chaotic. (The show lasted five episodes. The DVD included a 3 track EP with one single discussed here.) The two year Britney K-Fed union wrought two children. And so it was, the pop princess had finally grown up...or so she thought.


Order: 22
Title: "My Prerogative"
Album: Greatest Hits: My Prerogative (2004)
Song Premise: Britney can do what she wants to do because it's her prerogative.
Video Premise: The video starts with Britney drives a car into a pool. She enters a mansion where K-Fed is watching a movie of Britney writhing around in bed. Later Britney and Kevin have a secret wedding ceremony in the woods.

Comments: It's a big "Fuck You" (capital F, capital Y) to the media. Next.

Order: 23
Title: "Do Somethin'"
Album: Greatest Hits: My Prerogative (2004)
Song Premise: A woman wants to dance but the dude is too chicken to ask her.
Video Premise: Britney rides through the air in pink flying Hummer with her friends. Britney and posse then go to a club where they dance around.

Comments: I hated this video. It might very well be my least favorite. Nothing important happens. This is like a filmed drunken bachelorette party with sort of good cinematography and lighting. Next!

Order: 24
Title: "Someday (I Will Understand)"
Album: Chaotic (2005)
Song Premise: Britney hopes her child will make her and her baby daddy understand God's plan.
Video Premise: Britney wakes up and walks around singing to her unborn child.

Comments: This one is certainly different, I'll give it that. So far we have seen Britney as an innocent teen girl or a sex pot who likes to have sexy sex. Britney's life was changing and as the public, we were going to have to prepare ourselves for Britney as a mama.

Videography: Britney Spears (Part IV - In the Zone)

By the time Britney released her 4th album, In the Zone, she was only 22 years old. She had exerted her independence and sex appeal with her previous album and videos. But that was not enough.

Britney had recently ended her years long relationship with fellow teen idol Justin Timberlake (whatever happened to him anyway?). And she wanted more independence and respect. So in the next few videos, we have the beginning of transitional period. She had reached the top and there was no where left to go but down.

Order: 18
Title: "Me Against the Music" (feat. Madonna)
Album: In the Zone (2003)
Song Premise: A woman (or two?) describe their complicated desire for music.
Video Premise: Inside a fancy New York dance club, Madonna dances on one side of a wall and Britney dances on the other. They sense each other's presence. Britney chases Madonna and eventually catches up to her. However, Madonna vanishes just before they kiss.

Comments: Meh. Lesbianism for the sake of attracting males. Isn't that obvious? But I get what they're doing here with the collaboration: 80's Pop Princess meets Millennium Pop Princess. Too bad I'm not really a Madonna fan.

Order: 19
Title: "Toxic"
Album: In the Zone (2003)
Song Premise: A woman has a dangerous addiction to a man.
Video Premise: The video begins with Britney as a blonde flight attendant who pulls an overweight passenger into the bathroom. He transforms into a hottie as they make out and she steals a black pass from him. Later on, she drives through Paris as a redhead. Then she breaks into a research facility, steals a vial, and poisons her unfaithful boyfriend. All the while, there are several scenes of Britney writhing on the floor in a nude, diamond covered suit.

Comments: This one was big. Big song, big video. I, personally, never got the hype. The song has always seemed a little shrill to me. And the video is meh.

Order: 20
Title: "We Will Rock You" (feat. Beyonce and Pink)
Album: Another Pepsi Commercial
Song Premise: Pepsi Will Rock You!
Video Premise: It's ancient Rome. Enrique Iglesias is Caesar. Britney, Beyonce, and Pink are gladiators. But instead of fighting, the women throw down their weapons and rally the crowd into the singing.

Comments: Interesting concept. Good costumes. Sure. Why not?


Order: 21
Title: "Everytime"
Album: In the Zone (2004)
Song Premise: A woman struggles with a break up she caused.
Video Premise: Britney, accompanied by her boyfriend, arrives at a Las Vegas hotel and is bombarded by paparazzi. Her boyfriend grows violent with them and they fight. To cool off, Britney takes a bath and drowns. After running through the hospital, she decides to be reincarnated as a newborn baby.

Comments: I love videos about the fame! After "Lucky", this is only the second to deal with these themes. This one is a bit darker and was originally meant to end with Britney dying of a drug overdose ala Marilyn Monroe. I love the slow-motion cinematography and the ironic foreshadowing. Super depressing, yes, but I am a fan. And the boyfriend is hot.

Order: 22
Title: "Outrageous"
Album: In the Zone (2004)
Song Premise: BrItnEY's OuTrAgEoUs!!!!
Video Premise: Gangsta Britney plays basketball with Snoop Dogg and then licks his face.

Comments: Britney hurt her knee during the shoot and it was never completed. Given the clip, I'm not to disappointed.